It's a Wednesday morning and it dawns on me the year is about to come to an end. I usually pen a piece that encapsulates the year gone by. But this year seems strange. I have not much to say yet a lot to ponder about. There is a saying, there are decades when nothing happens and then there are weeks when decades happen. So this year feels like one of those times. Like a lifetime has passed. We missed being together on birthdays, milestone celebrations, reunions with family, and hours spent on planning holidays.
One of the biggest virtues we seek in anything we do is happiness. So what made me happy all these years? A random weekend trip back home to grab a few meals with family (and I was infamous to do that often), an impromptu weekend trip to Bali with my spouse (it was a given between us for the last 18 years we have been together), trips with my girls (even taking them on work trips), long hours spent on the lunch table at my mum’s home back in India (also mostly the noisiest hours) with some of the most bizarre arguments and discussions, for the kids' summers spent at both their grandparents home and planning family holidays. Never has a year passed without any of this. Even though we stayed away from family, they were never really away.
As months passed by, realisation started to hit that this is going to be a long haul. More than safety and health, this is now a fight against grit, emotions, and sadness. There are days when I wake up feeling gloomy, missing family, craving for the waves of laughter and those silly fights, my mum’s prawn curry (we still haven’t mastered that recipe in our home), my dad’s daily analysis of the news (he still analyses it for me except its via several text messages or emails to me), my in-laws pampering us to our favorite food during our trips to their home, hours I spend fighting with my family over what our next meal should be and kids going off to their grandparents every holiday (this was a norm for years). As much as I am grateful all are safe and sound, it is empty and void.
I now draw happiness from randoms chats with my taxi uncle, a quiet morning spent alone in a nice cafe, checking on the lady I buy flowers from every weekend, visiting my favorite restaurants, hosting my nephew and his high school friends (who are all stranded here and haven’t visited family for a year now), watching an odd Netflix series with my teenager, binge-watching ‘Just add magic’ with my 8-year old (I am still confused which season or episode are we at), assisting my girls to fulfill their baking order or a routine Sunday morning coffee session at a friend’s (truth is, its not the coffee but only the company that draws me).
There are weeks when I cheat and break my dieting regime. I load myself on carbs, forego exercising (tell my trainer to think I am away on holiday), make random drinks plans with friends, take an impromptu break from work, go off on a trail for a few hours, nudge the kids to break their routines too, and build up my patience for friends and colleagues.
For now, I draw immense strength, pride, and happiness from my work and the people around me at work (this will require another dedicated blog, coming soon). A sound ecosystem that I built unconsciously around me of friends who had my back, colleagues who silently witnessed my mood swings and smiled, our three kids who graciously accepted the tough year and taught us a lot about finding happiness in the simplest of things. I no longer hesitate to make that extra call, not forget to smile behind my mask (yes even that’s visible now), and not be shy to say, “I am not okay”.
PS: Writing this piece was probably the hardest as I had several emotions flowing in and out reflecting back on the year.
